As we grow we begin to consciously realise that some people can no longer be friends. However this truth rarely stares us in the face. We just keep doing what we do, playing the role we play but there is no reciprocity on the other side. Initially we make rationalizations about them being busy, not on the same app, unwell, through a difficult time and so on…. But no one is so busy. It’s an excuse for being unable to commit to the work required to sustain a friendship. Very often these are the ones that manage a meeting, a random meal…. Just to keep the illusion of well-being going.
When do we know it’s time to let go?
1. You hang on to the friendship because it feels comfortable and the effort to make new friends seems high that staying in the toxic relationship seems better.
2. The person makes you feel bad about things often. They may even pull you down in the presence of others.
3. They fill their plate with many things and expect everyone else including you to be supportive of their dreams but your needs never matter to them.
4. The relationship becomes a transaction. The person is always selling You something or borrowing from you and never once empathizes about your own state or needs.
5. Your friend manipulates you emotionally and otherwise to maintain control in the relationship.
6. You can never be yourself.
7. The person thinks about you or reaches out to you only when there is a crisis or problem.
8. The friend never respects boundaries or the effort you put into anything significant for them.
9. The friend does not celebrate your success. They may even go out of their way to belittle it.
10. You are never a priority. They will blame it on the marriage, career, children health, travel anything as long as they can get away with it.
11. You can never count on the person in times of crisis. They always have an excuse. The worse type here is the one that pretends to care but when it comes to action… Is always hidden behind a fake crisis like marriage which conveniently crops up to avoid standing up for you.
12. You stick around only because you have no one else to hang out with probably because you are in a new city or job.
13. You do all the work. They other person gets in touch only if there is a need, have to blame or point out flaws.
14. Your opinions never matter.
15. The friend pushes you to make bad choices waiting for an opportunity to talk behind your back or talk poorly to you.
16. They have ready excuses or resort to mood swings to make you feel rotten when you bring up any of the issues to discuss or sort out.
Growing up is often letting go. This letting go is one of the healthiest ways to affirm self love. Closing the door on these relationships often helps access a better version of the self.